I believe relationships are hard, they are never easy. They take a lot of courage, trust, and acceptance. They are made to give all of yourself and everything you have to another person. All of your faults and weaknesses, all of your heart and soul, all of your tears and smiles. Your soul mate is the one person in this world that makes or break everything you are as a person. This is what I grew up learning, among many other things, and this is what I strive for.
Yesterday I ended the truest relationship I ever had. I loved him so bad it was like my heart was floating on cloud 9 every day. He was my best friend too, which I also lost. He was a great guy and I thought he was perfect for me. I thought God, after seeing all the crap I've been through in my life, finally sat back and guided this amazing person to me. Because he was for me. I thought it was a true love, and I never knew what it felt like. When you're in a relationship like true love, it feels like you're flying all the time. It feels like your heart isn't actually inside you because the other person has it in their soft, genuine, and perfect hands. It feels like every moment is a perfect one, no matter how sad or happy, because the two of you are by each other's sides every day - without fail. This is what I experienced for 8 months. It was...perfect - and more than I could ask for.
I thank God for him, that I was finally happy...for once. That I finally had someone to treat me right. And I thought he was perfect for me. I'm stupid to think, at 19 years old, that long-lasting relationships were possible. I'll be 20 in September, and with him turning 23 in July, we knew there were age differences. But there's also a lot of timing in between and maturity. So why did I end it if it was so perfect? Honesty was not his best quality. And with me going to Italy for 4 months and not seeing him during the summer, I felt there was no effort on his part. He didn't do enough...the kind of "enough" that I was looking for. And that my parents were looking for. And I can't be away from him when I can't trust him. I figured it would be better for us to move on and for him to be happy with someone else than be in a possibly unhealthy relationship with me. It isn't fair to either of us, especially when I've been up front with him about everything when he hasn't.
When a relationship ends, you feel sick to your stomach. All you want to do is puke your brains out until you can't remember what happened. Sometimes you also have the urge to drink until you can't remember...or can't stay conscious long enough to remember. You want to rip out your heart and your stomach so they'll stop making you nauseous. You want to talk to everyone you know for advice because you just want to talk it out with a ton of people until you feel better. It sucks and there's no cure. It's worse than cancer. It's poison that runs through every part of you so you feel sore and heavy. Every second of every day until you wake up and just feel numb.
Then you get to the point where all you want to do is watch chick movies and cry. Or read chick books and cry. Everything ends in crying (especially since I haven't yet). Eating and crying. Drinking and crying. And yes - dressing up and crying. I haven't hit this stage yet but it will come eventually I guess. Or not. It isn't like I can't cry because I didn't love him completely. I'm just in the numb stage because I'm disappointed. I'm one of those girls who refuses to "take a break" or break up and get back together because I've been toyed with emotionally. I don't do that. When it's done and the guy has lost me, that's it.
But I'm sitting here, horribly hungover...and second guessing myself. But it doesn't matter. Neither of us can change what happened. And I will never know the "what if" side of it - what if I didn't break up with him and we got past it? Would I be able to trust him enough when I went to Italy? But now we each just move on I guess. He'll easily move on, I'm sure. Guys usually do. Get drunk, hook up. Nothing serious yet. I've noticed they're all talk and no walk. They'll say they'll fight for you if it were to end. And when it does, they disappear. To someone else, to somewhere else.
My poor sister got the worst of it this morning. I walked into the kitchen before 8am and she said, "OMG you look horrible...and hungover. Did the alcohol get to you?" Nope. Just sick to my stomach and need to look appropriate for work today. Great. It's going to be an interesting summer. But ladies - the point of the story is to make sure the guy you love can walk and talk. Don't settle for less. Get rid of him if he's less than perfect to you! Don't listen to their lies. I promise something better will come along - they always do. So keep thinking you're awesome and go on a few dates. You'll be fine in time.
As for me, I'm going to party my summer away and head to the beach with my friends. I'm going to Italy to enjoy my experience in August. Whether I'm single or taken...I'm still going. So raise your glass to being single, to guys you've gotten rid of who are not worth your time and the 100% effort you put into your relationship he ruined, and do what you want. He probably won't call you anyway, so do not sit next to your phone. He doesn't care about you anymore.
Be your lovely self and stay sexy ;)
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